Notes from the Underground Volume 2 Number 1 - My Valentine Search
All I want is someone I can love.
Someone I can conspire, protest, lock down and get arrested with. Someone to burn effigies with. Someone to pack hummus sandwiches for my reconnaissance missions. Someone with whom I can hop in the roadster at a moment's notice and wind up in front of Monsanto's headquarters with our necks U-locked to the door. See, I'm a die-hard romantic like that and in this cynical age, we're hard to come by.
Are you my dream lady?
It's been a long time since I had someone special in my life. I know you've all heard me pine over Butterfly in the past, bit I don't think it's going to work out. I mean, she's cute and great and all, but given the fact that she only sent me one polite note to the 637 long, detailed declarations of love I've sent her, I think she's not interested. Or she's playing hard to get, which will be the subject of my next letter.
You too could be the object of such unfettered devotion. Interested? Here's my list of requirements in a ladyfriend.
* First off, kleptomaniacs need not apply.
* Pyromaniacs, see above (I've been down that road before).
* If you love Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan romantic comedies, you're barking up the wrong tree. Seriously.
* If, however, you love dinner by candlelight, I'm your man. In fact, it's not optional: my electricity's been turned off.
* Hate TV? Good. See above.
* If your favorite noodle is ramen, we may be kindred souls. In fact, at 43 cents a box at Cub Foods, we'll be eating it most nights.
* Can't be allergic to cats or the chickens temporarily being housed in my bathroom.
* Can't have any particular aversion to weekly parole officer check-ins.
* Could you live in a tree with me if the situation warrented? On the lam? At my folk's place?
* Are you a neat freak? Unless you're a glutton for punishment or something, you'll probably just be driven mad.
Of course I should let any prospective valentine's know what I have to offer to. Thought I just had a great marker and cardboard collection? Think again.
* Okay, well, I don't mean to brag, but I do have a great marker and cardboard collection. In fact I have enough supplies to carry some in the Petemobile, in case the need to protest ever spontaneously arises. Once a Boy Scout, always a Boy Scout.
* The Petemobile. Need I say more?
* Step right into Chez Pete's International Diner, where you never know how the ramen will be prepared, but you always know it will be lip-smacking good. Crave Mexican ramen? I add oregano and cumin. Italian ramen? Garlic powder and basil. Indian ramen? Curry and fennel. The options are limitless (as long as they're vegan and include ramen).
* We've always got a place to crash at my parent's house in case, well, we splurge a little on ramen and can't afford rent.
* Flea-free since September, 2001. (On the cats and chickens, I mean.)
* I'm a funny, crazy (in a good way), well-rounded and open-minded guy. What do ya have to lose?
Anyway, send me your valentine and let me know what you think. Are you ready for Crazy Pete?