Notes from the Underground Volume 1 Number 6 - Pete For Prez
Hi y'all. Nothin' much new around here. Not a thing. Real quiet. Aw, jeez...I can't hide anything from you people. Well, you're right, something's been brewing; you know when Crazy Pete's been grinding up his usual spicy blend of shenanigans and hijinks. All right, I'll let you - and, okay, the rest of the world - in on a little secret. Hold on to your seat. Okay, I mean it, really hold on to it. All right then...I thought that now was as good a time as any to let you know that Crazy Pete has officially thrown his hat (actually an old bandanna) into the U.S. presidential race. Yeah, THAT presidential race. You laugh? Well, my uncle Ivan laughed too until he saw my Crazy Pete for President button. Then he just got all kind of quiet and scared looking, like, Oh my God, he's really doing it. Ha! By the way, the campaign slogan is: Crazy Pete - Vegan. Anarchist. Agitator. Experience Him for Four Years or Whatever. Our official song is the old Lennon-Ono song that goes "All we are saying is give peace a chance," but we substituted the 'Pete' for 'peace'. My friend Scruff recorded it in his bathroom, and I'm not sure of all that copywrite stuff, but I'm going ahead with it 'cause I can't seem to get a hold of Yoko. She's unlisted. The song sounds pretty cool, except you can hear the faucet running in the backgroud so it always makes me have to pee.
So how did this idea come about? Well, one day a couple weeks ago I was letting off some steam to my buddy Owl about the fact that I can't seem to get my driver's license renewed - yeah, 73 unpaid tickets isn't small, but only like 6 were moving violations, which should count for something - and I was telling Owl about all the things I'd do differently if I were running things. For example, the reason why I racked up so many tickets is primarily because of parking meters. My solution: Get rid of those metal extortionists and let us freaking park already! If I were paying taxes I'd be even more pissed off. The government should melt them down and give us all back a year's worth of quarters were forced to feed these beasts. Anyway, in the middle of my tirade, Owl just says, You know what, man? You should run for president. At first I laughed, but then I started thinking about it: Why the hell not? Gore and Bush are virtually interchangable - lame-ass, country club-goin', Establishment wusses - plus, why should I throw away my vote for Nader if I can use it for myself?
Okay, so, my platform is pretty basic: Since I'm an anarchist, it's my duty to dismantle government systems, so this is I will do over the course of my four year term. See, we'll sort of ease into it so it's not too jarring. One by one: poof! Gone. The Department of Defense? Sayonara. The dread Department of Motor Vehicles? Don't call me; I'll call you. The Supreme Court? Maybe they could get one of those TV judge gigs. Whatever. They can freakin' become Internet porn stars for all I care because my administration's gonna make their jobs obsolete. And you know what? There's a strong populist support of my ideas, at least if my fellow patrons at the Revolutionary Drip coffee house are any indication. Also, I've got politics in my blood, but not in a sick Kennedy kind of way: my uncle was the water commissioner of Scranton, PA from 1954 - 1956. When I was a little kid he liked to show off a picture of him with the one of the kids from the hit TV series "Father Knows Best." I have no idea how they met, but I'm not going to try to curry any favors from my family's political influence and allies in the entertainment world.
Okay, so I guess now what I need is a running mate. Does anyone know anyone who'd like to be vice-president of the U.S.? Do you yourself covet this prestigious position? If so, write me a letter of qualifications. It'd be good if this person is a naturalized U.S. citizen and over the age of, say, 21. I think it's mandatory for presidents to be at least, like, 35, but it think VPs are fine at any age. Whatever. If not, we'll deal with that later. But we have to be in agreement about the anarchist and vegan thing, because the minute I find anything dead in the White House fridge, you'll totally be out on your ass. Okay?
Also, I need - well, maybe not need, but would be totally happy with - a first lady. Any volunteers for this position, say, for example, Miss Butterfly Hill? We don't even have to get married, but you can kind of be my girlfriend. If not, how about anyone else? Let me know. I give great massages (so I'm told) and I always, always leave the seat down, even though I'm sure if we live in the White House, I'd have an attendant or something to deal with that. So let me know, okay?
All right, so that's about it for now. I've got to go man the campaign office hotline (right now the gas station across the street until some funding kicks in). Remember, Crazy Pete's looking out for you... Pete For Prez in 2000!