Notes from the Underground Volume 1 Number 9 - I demand a recount!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bush this, Gore that, blah, blah, blah recount, but, I'm asking you, is this a big old fashioned media blackout, or have you not heard one mention of MY candidacy, breathing hot down the neck of Ralph Nader? Naderites have nothing to complain about, because he got press like he was freakin' Ricky Martin or something. Where was the coverage of MY rally at the Anarchist Drip café, before an audience of three, plus the counter guy and the guy who came in to use the bathroom? What about the fact the I have been a public servant for more than twenty years, implementing such examples of positive, progressive change as:
* Convincing the bakery across the street from my old apartment to put old bread out for the birds rather than throwing it out
* Getting the Happy Sprout Café to adopt a policy of recycling old flyers from their message board rather just tossing them
* Getting my landlord to fix the stair with the big gaping hole in it so people didn't fall in it any more and hurt themselves (also, helping him avert a potential lawsuit)?
It seems that when push came to shove, the press chose to disregard my years of hard, thankless work, and just kind of ignore me altogether. Except they didn't 'kind of' ignore me: they ENTIRELY ignored me and my campaign. Conspiracy hounds, sniff no farther. Granted, my $38 war chest didn't come close to Nader's (imagine what I could've done with $8 million clams; I could've bought me and my first lady/vice president Butterfly Hill a lifetime supply of ramen noodles - the good kind - and had plenty of greenbacks left over), but I still deserved an honest shot.
So because of the press' blatant disregard of me and my campaign, I fell pretty far below the five percent that I'd hoped for. In fact, I fell below five votes total, which seems really hard to believe, because I had two people working on my campaign, plus there's my parents, and some other friends and family. I should've gotten at least ten votes, so it makes me very suspicious. My demands for a recount have fallen upon deaf ears so far, however. Still, a big shout out to my fans in California, where I garnered two of my four votes! I didn't even campaign in California. So, besides my own vote, there leaves one mystery vote cast for your's truly. Mom? Dad? Campaign manager, Owl? Actually, Owl couldn't vote for me because he doesn't have a voter registration card because it would impede his ability to slip unnoticed through the Bureaucratic Machine. So I guess it's a mystery, unless, Mystery Voter, you'd like to make yourself known. Butterfly, is it you???
So, anyway, despite my crushing defeat, I'm looking ahead to 2004. These are some of the things we'll do differently next time:
*It's probably a good idea to have a working phone, so the press knows where to call. I have a feeling that I didn't intercept every call that rang at the gas station phone across the street.
* Start sooner than, like, six months away. Totally. And don't go on a four-week road trip to Central America in between. You're running a campaign, man!
* Try to raise more cash, maybe in the hundreds. And don't spend it all on ramen noodles.
* Get an actual office, and maybe a file cabinet.
So these and other ideas will be implemented in 2004. What do you think? Too stodgy?
Anyway, so, yes, I lost this campaign (well, because they never did a recount for me, I'll really never know), but I'll be back at it next time around. Despite all the hassles, I feel like I've really been bitten by the political bug. Maybe I'll run for something else, like to be a judge or something. Anyone got any connections or anything?
Talk to ya later,