We know how it is. You get home after a long day of union busting and signing fat campaign contribution checks and you just want to unwind in the Jacuzzi and watch an episode or two of Cops when a nosy journalist calls and wants to quote you on how your company's leaking manure pits have destroyed local waterways. Children are sick, resident fish are dead or freakishly mutated, people are screaming for a costly cleanup. Can't a hard working guy ever catch a break?

My friend, we at Vegan Street feel your pain. That's why we created this handy list of do's and dont's to help you on your way toward being recognized as the upstanding corporate citizen we know you to be. No more Freedom of Information Act-happy Frontline producers demanding memos and files with the word confidential clearly stamped across them; no more last minute cancellations of vacations to Tuscany when a salmonella outbreak decides to wend its way across the Eastern seaboard like an angry hurricane. Follow our time-tested advice, and you'll be on your way to not only riches, but accolades as well.

And isn't it about time?

Half-truths, obfuscation and doublespeak are usually preferable to outright lies. Does this mean that you'll have to admit to the accusations that lefties, tree-huggers, angry parents and other assorted nutjobs fling your way? Heck, no. What we mean is that you can accomplish the same effect as lying with the more acceptable yet nearly identical art of deception. With deception, you'll be able to maintain or even raise your standing in the public eye or, at the very least, confuse people temporarily until the whole ugly thing blows over. Remember, one person's despoiler of air quality is another person's creator of job opportunities!

When in trouble, trot out disabled kids, your grandchildren, contented looking cows on pristine landscapes, Christian values, friendship with the current president, or whatever it takes. Pose for photos, and remember to smile, even if it exercises some very unfamiliar facial muscles (don't be afraid - it's like riding a bike). Attend noble charity events sponsored by thinly-veiled industry groups. Place expensive, full page letters to the public in the New York Times, humbly yet emphatically defending your company's good name. Get your name on a hospital wing or two. Remember, this is not a time for false modesty: go out there and toot your horn, mister! This is also not a time to be photographed shaking hands with fascist leaders of impoverished countries, high ranking members of the American Nazi party, or political figures who've been incarcerated for various deeds that betrayed public trust. The list goes on and on. You get the point: get out there, Mr. Shy Guy, but by all means, use discretion.

Be inventive! Create a citizens' group with other industry cronies. In the case of getting what you want in regard to political muscle or public favor, your competition is your friend, not your enemy: your enemies are the lefties, tree-huggers, angry parents and other assorted nutjobs mentioned earlier. By creating a citizens' group - especially one with emotionally resonant words like Defenders, Freedom, Families and Values in the name - the public is distracted and pacified by what appears to be a run-of-the-mill, well-intentioned do-gooder grassroots nonprofit, while you're sitting pretty, letting your citizens' group speak before congress, organize press conferences and write guest editorials for newspapers all under a shroud of impeccable decency. It's a win-win situation, my friend! Be creative with your group's name: if you are the CEO of an agribusiness giant opposed to environmental restrictions (is there any other kind?), how about Farmers for a Sane Ecology? See how easy it is? So break out the Rolodex, flip through the thesaurus and get to work.

Life hand you lemons? Make lemonade! So your barge just dumped enough oil into the ocean to fuel Costa Rica for the next five years... Hey, we know it was an accident, but that isn't going to be good enough for the hysterical masses who are just waiting in the wings for any little provocation to start flying fast and furious with the accusations. Although the temptation may be to call your travel agent and book that trip to Tuscany after all, it's essential to take control of the situation, because you're going to be forced to do this anyway. First, if it's been established that it is definitely your company's fault, find a nice quiet scapegoat or two, distance yourself from them, and fire them in a public manner with lots of righteous indignation. Now it's time to get busy because time's a' wasting. Break out some buckets, scrub down a couple baby seals, place some photos of hardworking rehabilitation teams in prominent newspapers and magazines, give a few checks that contains at least six zeroes on them to mainstream ocean protection organizations and call your company a champion for the planet. Better yet, have mainstream ocean protection organizations call your company a champion for the planet. And don't forget to take out some ads that tout that the ocean is cleaner now than when you had that little spill! No, it's not easy, and, no, it's not cheap. Yes, you're going to have to pretend to be really, really humble, earnest and nauseatingly heartfelt in the immediate aftermath, but you know what? Take some Tums and just deal, because it's worth it. Riding on the wave of good PR, you could be poised to reap rewards for years to come.

Win friends and influence people. We hope you don't have carpal tunnel, because you're going to have to get busy with that checkbook again. (Remember, we never claimed that being a Good Corporate Citizen came cheap.) Get that pen out and start scribbling, my friend. Now, who are the lucky recipients? Newspaper publishers? Yep. Political parties and legislators? You bet. Prominent scientists, esteemed environmentalists and respected world leaders on the take? Yes, yes, and yes! With checks in hand, consider these people to be both your bodyguards and instant credibility. Also, don't underestimate the power of buying a university department or two, protected wetlands and mountain ranges, a hospital for sick children, and on and on. Just make certain that your company's name is displayed prominently, sit back, and wait for the award ceremony invitations and tastefully engraved plaques to come rolling in. Who says there's no glory in being a captain of industry anymore?

Disparage, distort and demonize! Let's say that despite all your noble greenwashing efforts, your generous donations and your influential friends, you still are dogged by a few cranks who simply will not forget that you destroyed an ecosystem or two. Well, then it's time to pull out all the stops in defending your good name. This is not a time to be reserved and circumspect. The cranks in question must be exposed. They are puritans trying to limit the public's right to choose. They are unstable luddites with a hatred of progress and humanity. They are impossible to please bellyachers. They are hopelessly out-of-touch, unemployed, hirsute, malodorous hippies. They are bloodthirsty terrorists (thank you, September 11!). If one label doesn't stick, try another. Heck, try all of the above! And don't stop there. Draw or broadly hint at unsavory associations, whether or not they exist. Play on current public sentiment and fears. Cast doubt on your critics' intentions, funding, backgrounds, and knowledge. All the while, it's important that you play the role of the innocent, kindhearted victim flummoxed as to why you're being picked on by the Big Bad Bully. Remember your Drama 101 class and milk it for all it's worth. The public loves a good performance.

There you have it. Follow our friendly advice and in no time, you'll be on your way to public recognition and forgiveness, or, at the very least, amnesia. So the next time that pesky Frontline producer starts snooping around again, let her know that you're too busy dusting off your numerous plaques and awards, visiting hospitalized children and releasing rehabilitated baby seals to speak right now, but maybe she can set up some time with your secretary in the future. Now just be sure that the phone is properly hung up before you start giggling with delight.