| Tabloid News
Here's another spin on the journalistic style of The Onion, one of our favorite publications.
Teen Vegan Makes Entire Family Uncomfortable
Declaring her self-prepared pasta dish "awesome!", Stacey failed to notice her father, Dan Flemming, 43, reflexively hunch over his plate that held a hamburger and macaroni salad in an unconscious though impotent attempt to conceal it.
Julie Flemming, 44, noted that this was her daughter's third night in a row of pasta and "enough's enough." Further, Ms. Flemming showed her understanding of basic human nutrition by stating that "you can't survive on pasta alone your whole life."
To add to the uncomfortable environment, Stacey's brother, Matt, 17, scrunched his nose in a universal sign of distaste at the white tofu chunks sitting atop his sister's marinara, not noting any irony as he bit into his hamburger, a popular sandwich made from ground up cattle.
The tension began the very day Stacey informed her parents that instead of simply abstaining from meat, she would avoid all animal products. She went on to inform her them that eggs were "aborted chicken ovums" and directed her mother to read the Veganism NOW! brochure she picked up at the all ages Propogandhi show. The brochure remains unread on her mother's bed table.
"God, I don't even know what Stacey can eat anymore," Ms. Flemming was overheard saying on the phone that afternoon. "I mean, is rice vegan?"
"It was bad enough when she was just a vegetarian, but now vegan? This is awful."
The Flemming family did not anticipate that reading the liner notes of an old Prince CD Stacey's father bought at a church rummage sale would set off a chain of events that would ultimately lead to her wholesale rejection of all animal products.
"I don't even like Prince all that much. I have no idea why I bought it. It was like 50 cents, so I thought, What the hell?" said Mr. Flemming, shrugging.
For Stacey, though, it was a seminal event.
"Yeah, one day I was bored and the CD jacket was just lying on the dining room table so I happened to read it while I was eating lunch. It was all about how it's wrong to kill animals."
After "checking out a few websites", Stacey decided to stop eating meat. Six months later, she is now vegan.
"Did you know that leather is an animal's skin? I wouldn't want someone to wear my skin And how gross is it to drink milk? I read that milk has all this puss in it and it was meant for baby cows to drink, not us. I've always though milk was totally gross anyway, so now I have an excuse to not drink it. Besides, it's fattening."
With no particular provocation, Stacey exhorted, "Go vegan!"
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