World Wide Web of Deceit

Welcome to the World Wide Web of Deceit! Are you ready to test your skills at detecting all things deceptive, duplicitous and or just plain deranged? Are you prepared to follow dizzying twists of logic and plunge head first into a bubbling pool of delirium? Are you brave enough to enter an alternate reality, where distortion and delusion reign supreme, enough so as to melt the brain of any casual trespasser? We've scoured several of the more odious on-line websites for everything from unbridled malevolence to unintentional humor and this is what we've come up with. Enter at your own risk!

1. According to Kraft, what is one creative way that parents could make holidays more festive for wee ones who are being fed eat boiled animal remains, (oops!), I mean Jell-O?

A. Shape the gelled, boiled animal bones into fun holiday figures, such as Santa Claus and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Watch them wiggle under the twinkling Christmas lights!
B. Prepare virgin eggnog for the children, using 2 dozen eggs, cream and gelled, boiled animal skin. Serve warm to keep the eggnog liquefied and to prevent too many cases of Christmas Day salmonella poisoning. We all know that's no fun!
C. Cut the gelled, boiled animal tendons into decorative shapes with cookie cutters! From red, jiggling Christmas trees to green, coruscating angels, homemakers are only limited by their imagination (and cookie cutter collection!)
(answer)

2. According to Kraft, "Bologna Wiggles" is:

A. A common but harmless wave of nausea and vertigo that has been known to afflict consumers of said luncheon meat.
B. A recipe that includes thinly sliced bologna on a hamburger bun with salad dressing. Yum-O-Rama!
C. A plush, stuffed pig available to those who send in $7.50 and 2 proofs of purchase of any Oscar Mayer luncheon meat. Wiggles, the smiling pig, giggles when squeezed.
(answer)

3. At Furs.com, they recommend this attire for the fur wearer who's "pretty casual":

A. A sable thong with matching underwire bra (who says you can't be casual and naughty at the same time?!?)
B. A pastel tank top and shorts combo in luscious yet breathable ermine.
C. A colorful sheared beaver bomber jacket (who says you can't be feminine and rebellious at the same time?!?)
(answer)

4. The National Cattleman's Association offers this sage advice for those in the market for a little meat:

A. If a thick layer of green mold appears on a package of meat in your freezer, don't be a pansy: simply scrape it off
B. Don't buy your meat in shops where pale, anemic vegans abound, because they will likely set upon you with sticks and bucket after bucket of red paint
C. For your Fourth of July barbecue, don't use steaks that have been sitting in the meat bin of your fridge since the previous October.
(answer)

5. What is the empowering slogan offered on Ted Nugent's United Sportmen (sic) of America website (a.k.a., The Wild Nuge)?

A. Keep Whackin' em' and Stackin' em’ Boyz!
B. Blood, Guts, Glory and Guns, Let's Protect it for Everyone!
C. My Bow, My Freadom (sic); Dead Deer, Good Eatin'!
(answer)

* Bonus Question #1*
What is a term of affection given to Nugent by his acolytes?

A. Teddy Bear
B. The Nugemeister
C. Nugentle Leader
(answer)

6. Since we're on the Nugent site (ripe for nugents, I mean, nuggets of gold), let's continue... This bit of creative spelling was offered by a certain fellow with the appellation of "logthumper":

A. emossional scares (for emotional scars)
B. vegun fashists (for vegan fascists)
C. venasin burgurs (for venison burgers)
(answer)

7. Okay, one final gem from the land of Nugentia. One humble fan left a message pleading for Motor City Madman's help... What did he want?

A. He is the President of the National Taxidermist's Association (not to mention a former rock 'n' roller like Ted!), and he was asking if Mr. Nugent would be so kind as to consider speaking at the NTA's Saturday night banquet during their annual convention. There was no response.
B. He and his buddies were "totally wasted" and they wanted to know the lyrics to "Cat Scratch Fever" so they could "jam" together before they all puked and passed out.
C. A fellow who accidentally lodged an arrow in his skull while practicing with The Ted Nugent Kill, Kill, Kill Crossbow that he ordered off the website. Any recommendations for a relatively painless removal of this arrow?
(answer)

8. At the People for Eating Tasty Animals website, an erudite fellow with his finger on the pulse of society had this to say about those in the animal rights movement. We are:

A. "...A bunch of f***ed-up, PC, leather wearin' whiners."
B. "...Politically correct slaves who worship their master's intellectually deprived cultist lifestyle."
C. "...Skinny whiners who would eat their dogs if they had to... You know they would!!!"
(answer)

9. According to The National Egg Board's "Eggcyclopedia", de-beaking a chicken is akin to:

A. Cutting off a person's nose without anesthesia.
B. Trimming a dog's nails.
C. Stubbing one's toe.
(answer)

10. McDonald's has introduced a new character to encourage kids to eat more healthfully. What is this vibrant character's moniker?

A. Billy Burgereater
B. Sally Shakesenfries
C. Willie Munchright
(answer)

* Bonus Question #2*
When nutritional advisors for Kraft advise eating a "balanced" diet... What does this mean?

A. Combining high fat meats with reduced-fat dairy products. For example, one needn't worry too much about fat and cholesterol if they combine bologna and light mayo! It doesn't take a rocket scientist or a nutritionist to understand common sense food combining and make all that nasty fat will go away. (Not that bologna is high fat!)
B. Eating lots of fruits, grains, vegetable and nuts between copious servings of sausage.
C. Making sure that you balance your consumption of listeria-tainted products with the equally important salmonella and E-Coli tainted-products.
(answer)

Vegan St. Market...Vegan News...Community Center...Calendar...Vegan Living...Home
Funhouse...Directory of Groups...Activist's Handbook...Gwendolyn Good-Deed...Links...Join Us

This page was launched March 25, 1999