Welcome, intrepid traveler, to the World Wide Web of Deceit 2, a.k.a., The Nauseater! You've apparently survived Round 1 - are you ready to accept another challenge? Are you brave enough, strong enough, and just plain renegade enough to follow the serpentine twists of logic, the death-defying free falls into dementia, the rocky and rough terrain of paranoia? Then fasten your seat belt - you're in for a bumpy ride. First we visit the Ringling Brothers Spin machine, where P.R. agents work overtime to ensure that you have a confusing, stupifying ride. 1. Over at the Ringling Brothers website, much mention is made about how displaying animals in public fosters a sense of respect and concern for all animals. How is this accomplished? A. By showing photos of animals in their natural habitat, accompanied by text that is intended to educate people about wildlife protection and habitat preservation. B. By setting up a fund in which money raised is used directly to combat threats to wild animals like the ivory trade and wild game poaching. C. By showing an elephant in a costume perched uncomfortably in an over-sized stool with his front legs raised in the air . (answer)   2. To prove their love of animals, Ringling Brothers has... A. A guarantee to release all of its captive menagerie into reputable sanctuaries by 2002. B. The largest gene pool of Asian elephants outside of Southeast Asia. C.Instituted a new program designed to teach children about the true circus experience; children are abducted from their homes, kept in chains and small cages, taken from town to town 11 months of the year and forcibly trained to perform demeaning tricks for audiences everywhere.. (answer)   3. Ringling Brothers Circus is also known as this... A. The Town Without a Zip Code B. The Town Without a Moral Code C. The Happy, Happy Fun Town Where Elephants are Smacked With Sharpened Hooks. (answer)   Nauseated yet? Well, then step right up to your next challenge, brought to you by the fine folks from the National Cattlemen's Beef Association! Through their promotional arm at www.beef.org, we enter the topsy-turvy world of sheer desperation brought on by plummeting popularity and highly-publicized food poisonings. Do you have the stomach to endure the dips and twists of this loopy roller-coaster known as the Big Beefy? 4. A beef product contest is under way at Beef.org! If you think that you've got a red meat product that's killer, then you might be the next Beef Baron! But be warned: entrants will not be accepted if they... A. Send in their application with a "Meat is Murder" sticker on the envelope. B. Send a sample of their decomposing cow product through the U.S. mail. C. Name their product something that could cause embarrasment to the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, like E.Coli Surprise or Saturated Fat Balls. (answer)   * Bonus Question #1* Speaking of embarrassing, what else would get the NCBA in a tizzy, according to their website? A. If an entrant of the above-mentioned contest submitted a product or product line that has been in a voluntary or involuntary recall. B. To have their cholesterol levels revealed C. To discover that Oprah Winfrey has a whole week of Howard Lyman interviews scheduled (answer)   5. Before we vacate the Big Beefy, kids, can you tell us what educational device is advocated by Beef.org as a way of informing school children on how to avoid food contamination? A. A children's book version of Diet for a New America, written in a rhyming Dr. Seuss style and delightfully illustrated by Berke Breathed. B. A visit from BAC, a green, drooling puppet who speaks in a "germy" voice to frightened children and retails for $15 at their website. C. A series of show tunes and informative skits created by the producers of Rent, the Broadway hit, and coming to auditorium near you! (answer)   All right. Are we ready to move on? The next ride ahead is engineered by the sycophantic and judgment-impaired fans of Ted Nugent, a.k.a., Deadly Tedly, so be careful - it's a slippery trip maintained by people who are known to break into bad air guitar at a moment's notice. Are you sure you want to climb aboard? 6. If you become a member of Ted Nugent USA, your benefits would include... A. New member welcome packet, complete with ID card, logo decal, sticker, logo patch, and inspirational "Fred Bear" hunt music cassette. B. A free visit from Mr. Nugent himself, where he shoots everything that moves in your backyard. Transportation costs not included. C. A wallet-sized photo of Ted for at a reduced price of $7.95, and a cassette Mr. Nugent crooning Gershwin standards. (answer)   7. Ted Nugent USA is... A. Also a recently-shuttered theme park outside of Detroit. B. A group of intelligent, eco-conscious and compassionate individuals with no hang-ups whatsoever regarding their masculinity. C. The self-proclaimed "fastest growing pro-hunting/pro-gun/pro-conservation/family organization in the world!" (answer)   * Bonus Question #2* We couldn't visit a Ted Nugent website without visiting the message page. It seems that one visitor had the gall to suggest that the Nuge only knew three chords on his guitar, bringing on a stream of vitriol from Ted fans. This is the response from a certain fan named Erv Wagner (note: all words have been repeated exactly as they appeared): A. You suck, you vegitarian basterd who wouldn't no three chords it they shot him full of led!!! B. I feel sorry for IDOTS...that probability don't know there butts from a hole in the ground. keep up your web site educateing people in common sense. C. How come veggans have no musical taste insofar as classic rock goes? Is it a protean deificentcy? (answer)   We're going to make a quick detour over to the Sara Lee Corp., the home of fine luncheon foods that are recalled from coast to coast. Are you prepared for to be taken for a ride? 8. Sara Lee ran into a spot of trouble in December of 1998 when Bil-Mar Foods, one of their producers, sent listeria-tainted products to grocery stores throughout the U.S.; at least 17 people died as a result of consuming their contaminated product and dozens were sickened.The following is a verbatim quote from their website: A. For sixty years, Bil Mar is the brand synonymous with superior quality. Only superior quality products get to carry one of America's best known and most trusted brand names. B. We're very, very, very, very, very sorry. We're really very sorry. Really C.Nausea, vomiting, high fever and dizzy spells often accompany eating meat; furthermore, it is impossible to say whether or not the trusted Sara Lee Corp. distributed the food that poisoned you, so just keep stocking up on delicious Sara Lee Products until government do-gooders pry it from your cold, dead hands. (answer)   Finally, let's visit Sara Lee's cousin Kraft for our last serpentine ride; is your anti-nausea medication kicking in yet? Too bad... 9. As a safety precaution, Kraft recommends that you do this after cooking with raw eggs... A. Immediately dispose of anything that may have been touched by the egg. B. Wash your hands, utensils, countertops, and other surfaces that have come in contact with raw eggs with hot soapy water. C. Have a hazardous materials crew descend upon your kitchen and sterilize every possible inch of it. Better yet, buy a new home altogether (answer)   10. And last but not least, a small true or false question...When discussing "Practical Ideas for Lactose-Sensitive People", the Kraft crew responsibly suggests that those who cannot digest dairy should simply avoid consuming it. True False (answer)

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