Sure, we've traveled down this slippery slope before, but somehow the knotted twists of logic, plunging ethical standards, nose-bleed inducing heights of inanity and stomach-churning depths of ignorance to which we plummet never gets dull, does it? Well, then, step right up to the World Wide Web of Deceit 3, a wet-and-wild free for all, a twirling teacup of a ride through the combined spin cycle of high-voltage PR machines, troglodytic ideology, and status quo enforcement. Are you strong enough to take it? Be forewarned: some have reported nausea upon departing from the World Wide Web of Deceit. Vegan Street hereby removes itself from responsibility to those who feel ill, alarmed or otherwise disturbed. Enter at your own risk! 1. According to the up-to-the moment, thumb-on-the-pulse-of-society cultural commentators at www.beef.org, the ‘Everyday Hero' is: a. An old fashioned SUV-driving, cigar-smoking, tree-chopping, beef-chomping family man. b. The elected official who understands that when Big Beef scratches their back, they'd like the favor reciprocated. c. Quacks - eer - medical professionals who recommend generous portions of beef to help heart patients, cancer survivors and the obese on the road to health. d. A perfectly coifed woman who talks on the cell phone, while holding a frying aloft and performing superfluous pirouettes as she prepares dinner for her brood. answer 2. The beef guys present this penetrating psychological and social profile of the Modern Beef Eating Woman: a. She does what she is told and asks no questions, except for whether there are second helpings of nutritious, delicious beef. b. She could whip out a perfect beef soufflé whilst sleepwalking, and has uses her power of imagination to conjure delicious creations, such as Beef ‘Cakes (chipped beef in pancakes). c. She punches a clock, washes the clothes, pays the bills, carts the kids to soccer practice (and makes every game too). She packs lunches, picks up her husband's dry cleaning, changes the baby, checks on her aged mother, consoles her best friend, and still manages to get dinner on the table each night. d. She's just like you, only smarter and prettier. answer Bonus question #1 Beef.org's got plenty of nutrition slogans. Pick one: a. "Meat" Your Iron Needs b. Cholesterol: The Little Plaque That Could c. If Your Beef's Still Pink Inside, E-Coli's Got Places To Hide! d. Angioplasty: Who Doesn't Like Balloons? answer 3. Moving on. What's that smell? Who's doing that awful caterwauling? Oh, it must be Ted. Every once in a while, we like to check out Ted Nugent's website to see what "The Nuge" is up to. (Yes, we are gluttons for punishment.) When we saw that he had an online catalog, we wanted to check to see if the bow-hunting tunesmith had illegally appropriated any Vegan Street designs. We didn't find any, but what we did find was: a. Ammunition b. Arrows c. Whackmaster Sunrize (sic) Coffee (a.k.a. ‘Nuge Java') d. All of the above answer 4. What heartwarming message is inscribed on one model of Ted Nugent Brand® camouflage baby bibs? a. Daddy's Lil (sic) Hunter b. Mommy's Lil (sic) Serial Killer In Training c. Venison Jerky Cured My Teething Pain d. I Eat Vegetarians for Breakfast answer 5. Next we take a pitstop over at www.teachfree.com, the National Cattlemen's Beef Association's "education" wing. In a page intended to be downloaded and colored, children are advised that hamburgers with brown or grey(!) centers are okay to eat, but avoid those with this color: a. Pink b. Puke green c. Goldenrod d. Any color is a-okay, kiddies! Now stop whining and eat up! answer 6. According to the National Cattlemen's Beef Association's words of wisdom, kids, t-bone steaks don't have much fat because: a. We live in a wondrous fairy world, where the NCBA points a magic wand and everything it says is true b. One can just cut the fat off * c. Everything's relative -- next to a giant tub of pure lard, a t-bone steak is really not too bad d. All the other bad stuff neutralizes the fat somehow answer Bonus Question #2: Speaking of beef, what special feature does www.bseinfo.org offer visitors? a. Mad cow disease detectors for $79.95 b. The informational video, "BSE and You: a Journey from Farm to Grave," for $14.95 c. A glossary of BSE-related terms, from electroencephalograph to Scrapie Associated Fibrils (SAF) d. T-shirts that say," I went to Great Britain and all I got was this stupid case of new variant transmissible spongiform encephalopathy." answer 7. The Food Safety and Inspection Service, a branch of the U.S. government, has announced a new campaign to let people know the proper temperatures certain products need to be cooked at. Thermy®, a pink-faced, sweating, chef-hatted thermometer, is their creation. Thermy® says that cooking eggs to this degree decreases your chance of salmonella poisoning: a. 1075º F b. 25º F c. 160º F d. It must be reduced to ash by a state-certified incinerator before it is safe to eat. Even then, you're taking a risk. answer Bonus question #3: What vegetable was listed as a food safety threat on the Thermy® chart?: a. Broccoli b. Carrots c. Rutabaga d. None of the above. Vegetables don't contain dangerous microbes (unless they've come into contact with meat, of course) answer 8. Let's swing on over to Kraft, shall we? What does their staff nutritionist recommend that a diabetic adult eat while snacking? a. Plenty of vegetables and fruit b. Wholesome grains c. Unsalted nuts and dried fruit d. A Handi-Snacks® Cheese ‘Pretzel combo snack, Jell-O® Sugar Free Gelatin, Crystal Light® or Sugar-Free Country Time Lemonade® answer 9. And what is a conscientious parent recommended to prepare for his or her diabetic child? a. A vegetable stir-fry with brown rice b. Creamy Ranch and Parmesan Chicken Salad c. Soup and salad with low-fat dressing and steamed vegetables d. Deep-fried Bologna Poppers with Mozzarella Cheese and Sour Creme answer 10. At our final stop, Kraft likes to ask the important rhetorical questions, trying to get you, the consumer, to think. What are some of the penetrating questions Kraft would like you to consider? a. Because Kraft is owned by Phillip Morris, does that make us twice as evil? b. Isn't life more delicious with luncheon meats and processed cheese? c. What are cookies without milk? What is pizza without cheese? What is a birthday without ice cream? Don't dairy foods add to the fun in life? d. Where does a hack copywriter for an awful mega-company find the strength to get out of bed in the morning and look himself in the mirror while brushing his teeth? (This is not rhetorical; I really want to know. Please help me.) answer

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