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Dear Miss Good-Deed, I am almost sixteen, and I decided to become a vegan about two months ago, while living with my aunt and uncle temporarily. I am expected to go back to my mom and dad and sister for the summer. My mother says she misses me and really wants me to come home, but at the same time, she also says that I will be forced to eat whatever she chooses to fix for dinner every night. My parents are very traditional eaters, who insist on eating meat at every dinner. I have offered to cook for the family as often as she wants me to, but she said that that she didn't want me to make anything that she wouldn't make (in other words, anything vegan). I then offered to sit down to dinner with the family, but I would make my own meal if the family's meal wasn't vegan. She said I wasn't allowed to do that either. I have already explained why I'm a vegan, but she refuses to understand. She says that it's just one little rule, and I don't have any choice. I can't go back to eating meat, but I don't want to hurt my mom. Please help me. Anonymous Gentle Reader, Your letter illustrates precisely why Ms. Good-Deed considered opening a home for runaway vegans a few years back, only to abandon the dream after visions of lawsuits danced 'round in her head (thanks to a conversation with her alarmist of a lawyer). Oh well. Still, in her fantasy of such a home, the kitchen wouldn't be a tense battleground strewn with hidden and obvious explosives, but instead a warm place where one could enjoy good food and conversation. Food could be what it was meant to be, a means through which to nourish the body and spirit. It has become clear to Ms. Good-Deed through many years of contemplation, though, that there are so many emotions tied up so tightly with eating and food that they've become inextricably wound together, with food often summoning emotions like fear, anger, and pacification. Ms. Good-Deed proposes that before attempting to find a solution to the problem you face, one must first examine the possible root of your mother's negative response to your lifestyle choice. For your mother to have made such an unwavering ultimatum despite your reasonable and level-headed approach to her restrictions, Ms. Good-Deed feels that there is probably something at work below the surface, in other words, something, most likely fear, that is an unspoken but nonetheless cardinal part of her reaction. Unfortunately, this is a common response to teenaged vegetarians, and almost all who chose this route at a young age will face some painful opposition, whether from peers or family. It is especially difficult, though, when the home, which is ideally one's sanctuary, has become another war zone. It is possible that your mother is afraid of you maintaining a vegan diet because she's concerned that this diet is nutritionally deficient. Although there has been much documentation over recent years proving that the diet you've chosen is actually healthful, and it is supported by conservative, science-based organizations like the American Dietetic Association, most of us were taught from an early age that the standard, protein-based Western diet is the only healthy one. Keep in mind how ingrained the meat and dairy industry's propaganda is in our school system, how their posters and support materials are as much a part of our "education" as arithmetic and spelling. It is quite likely that your mother's response is an instinctive one, based on a primal need to protect her young. It is also possible that your mother infers from your rejection of the standard American diet, a rejection of her and her values as well. This is a very, very common response. Suddenly your decision to be a vegetarian implies that you are rejecting your parents, your grandparents, and anyone else significant to your life (or your mother's life) who happens to eat meat. One of the emotions tied up with food is love, and to distance yourself from the food your mother feeds you and your family may symbolize a withdrawal from her love. As sophisticated and cerebral as we may think we are, these simple, primitive emotions can rattle us at our core, causing us to lash out defensively before we are even aware of it. Also, if you and your mother have a history of trying to wrest control from one another, her response to your decision could be symptomatic of this dynamic in your relationship. A third, less subconscious reason, may simply be that your mother thinks that cooking in a vegan fashion will be a "hassle". Ms. Good-Deed has heard many complain that preparing vegetarian meals (washing, seeding, chopping, etc.) takes too much time compared with sticking a hunk of meat in the oven. Your mother may be concerned about extra dishes and an additional mess in the kitchen if you cook your own meals. She may assume that there will be an added financial burden. She may even be afraid that your influence will cause your sister to revolt. Or maybe your father. Or maybe her! There are so many factors that could be influencing her strong resistance to your diet that the only way this will truly be worked out is if you and your mother meet and have an honest, open dialogue about why she feels this way. To just understand that your mother has a vague but stubborn resistance to your diet isn't enough: you need to get to the roots. If you really listen to her concerns, this will help you form a deeper understanding of her perspective, and, ultimately, it will help you reassure her at the core of what is troubling her. Understand that in order for this to work, you may have to make some lifestyle changes. You may have to spend more time preparing meals and cleaning the kitchen. You may have to spend some time at the library researching the health aspects of your diet so that you can make a cogent argument. You may need to take a part-time job to earn the money you need in order to pay for your own meals. It sounds like you're mature and dedicated enough to do whatever is necessary to work out your differences so that you're both satisfied with the results. Hopefully, when your mother sees that you are serious about your beliefs, but also compassionate about how she may be feeling, she will in turn be more open-minded. And you may even earn her respect by being consistent and strong in your beliefs. Remember that your best defense in this situation is not to be defensive at all. Be open, loving, strong and confident: by creating this kind of an emotional environment, it should naturally influence your mother. Best of luck to you, gentle reader. XOXOX G.G.

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