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| ...meticulous advice for the refined activist |
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Dear Gwendolyn Good-Deed: Signed, Gentle Vegan: Although at its essence a relationship is comprised of two people, it would be naive to pretend that others didn't occasionally factor in. It appears as though your beloved's mother, by hook or by crook, is determined to shoehorn her opinions into the relationship you have with her dear, but apparently misguided, son. Please don't infer from this that Ms. Good-Deed considers Gloria to be a meddler, because she doesn't. It's just that relationships are complex, and they can be especially precipitous when they expand beyond the party of two, and begin to involve others, in particular those who feel the most protective or threatened. Warning: while you were blissfully sailing on the wide ocean of love, you acquired a stowaway in your little canoe for two. Vegan seductress, meet Gloria. You're likely correct in noting the barbed quality of Gloria's comments, but while Ms. Good-Deed doesn't think that she is necessarily trying to undermine your relationship with Joe, she does think that perhaps Joe's mother is trying to assert her authority, or, short of that, ridicule what she perceives to be your authority. The reasons behind this could be manifold: she may simply fear Joe's dietary shift because she is ignorant about vegetarianism, and doubts that it would provide adequate nutrition for her growing young son. She may not approve of your lifestyle because she senses or assumes that you don't approve of her's. She may see you and the changes you've helped foster in Joe's lifestyle as a wedge between her and her son. She may think that with his acceptance of this lifestyle comes a rejection of her and the values she raised him with. It is quite likely that Gloria's resistance to you and your belief system is rooted in fear and control issues. Back in her co-ed years, Ms. Good-Deed was in a similar predicament. For a time, her swain was a strapping buck, named, well, Buck. Thoroughly smitten with young, charming Gwennie, Buck even adopted her diet and cruelty-free lifestyle, although the boys at Zeta Beta Potata thought that he'd been abducted by aliens and replaced with a decidedly less troglodytic doppelganger. This was especially pronounced after he swore off the horrid practice of goldfish swallowing, and assisted Ms. Good-Deed in their hasty liberation during fraternity hazing rituals. Although he was ostracized due to his sudden development of a conscience, Buck seemed invigorated by the changes in his life, and as liberated as those wide-eyed goldfish. One day a few months into their courtship, Buck asked young Ms. Good-Deed to accompany him to his parents' country home for the weekend (separate beds of course, naughty reader!) and to spend some time getting to know the matriarch and patriarch of his little family unit, Bootsy and Biff Waspblood. Buck warned his sweetheart that his parents were a bit on the conservative, reactionary side, so not to take criticism or slights too personally. He warned her that they were of a different generation and a different mindset. Gwennie shrugged off his warnings, convinced that her Saturday afternoons spent at Miss Peabody's School for Charming Young Ladies weren't entirely for naught. She was determined to be a relentlessly charming captor of their son's blue-blooded but now cholesterol-free heart. That lasted for about five minutes. Almost immediately upon introductions, Bootsy sniffed: "And so you are the one who has indoctrinated my Buck." Ms. Good-Deed stuttered: "E - excuse me?" Biff chimed in: "You are the one who has made our boy into a plant-eating communist left-wing radical." Ms Good-Deed replied: "I don't know about all the charges, but, yes, I helped Buck learn about why he might want to adopt a meatless diet." Icily, Ms. Waspblood said: "Isn't that lovely," and with that, she and her husband exited the room. Essentially, this introductory encounter is a condensed version of their entire time together. No matter how innocuous the conversation, it was always used as a springboard upon which to launch a fresh attack against Gwendolyn and her reckless ideas. At first Buck made a noble attempt to defend her and the way they'd chosen to live, but it fell upon deaf, angry ears. Finally, they ate dinner in silence (wilted asparagus for them, filet mignon for the Waspbloods) and went home earlier than they'd planned, right after dinner. Things didn't work out between Buck and Gwennie, but not because of his parents. A few years after graduation, they crossed paths again, when Buck was on his way to join the Sea Shepherds and protect the oceans from whalers. When he reported that his parents were now on a low-fat, high fiber diet due to cholesterol concerns, Ms. Good-Deed couldn't help but smile and send Ms. Waspblood a recipe for tofu and shiitake paté. So, gentle vegan, back to your questions. Regarding Gloria's antagonism toward the lifestyle she thinks you have foisted upon her son, Ms. Good-Deed would recommend that if he hasn't does this yet, that Joe explain to his mother that he is in control of his decisions. You may have been the vehicle through which he gained his awareness, but you certainly do not have a gun to Joe's head, ordering him, "All right, buddy, it's all veg, all the time, or it's sayonara." (At least one hopes not.) You didn't say in your letter whether or not he was addressing this issue with his mother directly or not, but if not, it's time that he does. When Gloria makes subtle digs at you, for example, she implies that all poor Joe eats all the time is probably sprouts, smile and say, "Oh, that's funny, but actually we eat an extremely varied diet. Tonight , for example, we had minestrone soup and vegan lasagna. In fact, I don't know if Joe's had a single sprout since we've been dating." That type of thing. Without getting indignant or self-righteous, never miss an opportunity to educate her, even if it's in a very subtle way. Offer to send her articles if that would help ease her fears. Also, it never hurts to have a sense of humor about it. As far as Thanksgiving dinner, that's a much more prickly issue. You'll definitely want to discuss this thoroughly with Joe so that you present a unified front. Some ethical vegetarians are able to block out animals being eaten in their presence, and can adapt quite well. They just turn-off. Others, and you sound like this variety, are highly affected by animal flesh, and it is an assault on their sensibilities. If you feel this way, by all means, don't suffer through the meal. You must simply tell Gloria that being around the turkey carcass is upsetting to you, but you'd love to rejoin the group for coffee and dessert. Again, it is better if you and Joe are in agreement on this. Explain this to her before the meal, privately, so if she gets angry or defensive, it's not exacerbated by being in front of other guests. If you phrase this gently and calmly, she is less likely to over-react. Regarding whether you can ask to provide a vegan entreé without it being a breach of etiquette, it depends on how it's asked. Ms. Good-Deed thinks that it would be perfectly acceptable to say something along the lines of: " Gloria, I was wondering if I could help by making a meatless dish? This way, I can also show you the kinds of food we eat. Would you mind if I contributed to your meal?" Hopefully, she'll accept your offer. If not, if she's as good a hostess as she thinks she is, she will offer to make a vegan entreé for you and Joe. Well, gentle vegan, best of luck to you. Remember, though, when it comes down to it, this relationship is just about two people, you and Joe. Although things are a lot more peaceful when everyone gets along, you and Joe are the only two who really have to br compatible. Best of luck - XOXOX, G.G.D. |
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