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Dear Gwendolyn Good-Deed, I've been a vegan for quite a while, but only within the last year or so has it become intolerable for me to be around people who are eating meat. The problem is that my girlfriend, who is also vegan, and I occasionally get invited out by various friends of ours who are also couples but aren't vegetarian, and I've found myself making up excuses to not go because I don't know how to ask that they not eat meat around me. Can I make such a demand of my friends? Is it a reasonable request? I don't want to lose these friendships, but I also don't want to expose myself to something that makes me physically ill and emotionally traumatized. Any thoughts are appreciated. Signed, Meatless in Seattle Gentle vegan, Sometimes Ms. Good-Deed takes a few moments out of her busy schedule to reflect on the pressing matters of the day, in between researching Austrian lace patterns of the 18th century and plucking wild strawberries from her garden to bake vegan muffins for the lovely visitors who line her social calendar. During these rare moments of quiet reflection, she is most inclined to think about human relations, and the efforts each of us must make to live as closely within our unique code of ethics while peacefully coexisting and even thriving within our community. When these are in conflict - the emotional needs of the individual and the perceived social needs of the community - often times the latter is abandoned in favor of group acceptance. There is a very basic, primordial impulse to remain part of one's community for reasons that have been virtually embedded into our collective DNA. Survival of the fittest depends upon our inclusion in the 'pack'. This, like everything, has its benefits as well as its hazards. For example, if your neighbor has a deep desire to blast amplified, shrieking sirens at 3:30 every morning from his rooftop, this would clearly interfere with your need to have a restful night's sleep; it's better for your sake if he is socially inhibited from engaging in this behavior. Social grace, maturity and basic empathy prevent us from indulging in every single whim that crosses the mind, except for the rare individual who is certifiably sociopathic. However, your emotional need to not dine with friends while they are consuming dead animals is not a mere whim, and don't let anyone try to convince you that it is. It's something you have a fundamental and physical aversion to because of your compassion for the victims on the plate. Too many times we feel pressured by others to be more "accepting" and "nonjudgmental", which in this particular case means suppressing your true, visceral feelings and pretending you are unbothered by something you are, in fact, bothered by. Furthermore, you are expected to shoulder the entire weight of compromise in this scenario, lest you run the risk of being seen as intolerant. This is unfair. Gentle vegan, you must ask yourself, would you light up a Marlboro while enjoying the company of your dear friend who not only is sickened by the smell of smoke but is also an anti-smoking crusader for ethical and political reasons? Would this not be disrespectful? How about suggesting to your friend who works on labor reform issues that you two go shopping at a store notorious for selling sweatshop-produced items? You would be expected to know better than that, and you should have similar standards for your friends. Ms. Good-Deed recommends that the next time you are invited out by an omnivorous friend, you say something along the line of, "Wow, it would be delightful to see you and Carol. Thank you for thinking of us. The only request I have is if we can make it a vegetarian meal for all of us, because it'd be difficult for me to fully enjoy your wonderful company otherwise. Would you like me to recommend some restaurants we've enjoyed in the past?" A good way to approach this is to be friendly but matter-of-fact about your needs. What you're asking is not too much to ask of a friend, and if he or she would balk at your simple request, it might be a good idea to reevaluate your friendship, or simply not include dining in your social interactions. Any true friend should understand. XOXOX G.G.

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