  |
 |
| ...meticulous advice for the refined activist | |
|
Dear Gwendolyn Good-Deed: Signed, Gentle Vegan: But let's ignore all that and focus on the problem at hand: when your parents visit, they refuse to be reasonably flexible about their habits and leave all the adjusting to you and your husband. Tsk, tsk! This situation is especially egregious since ensuring their comfort seems to mean neglecting your own. In any relationship -- essentially any communication among more than one is a relationship, from you and your best friend to you and a store clerk -- there are unspoken rules of conduct regarding give and take. For example, your waiter provides good service in his role in a relationship, and, you, in your role as patron, reward this good service with a healthy tip. This is part of the exchange between two in a relationship, and when the balance is off-kilter, it is part of human nature to want to bring it back into relative equalibrium. To illustrate the point, let's use the example of waiter and waited-upon to determine if this exchange makes sense: Waiter to diner: Yeah, hi, when I get a chance after my cigarette break, maybe I'll come back and take your order, okay? Diner: That sounds great! Could I have a menu to look at in the meantime? Waiter: Uh, go ask that hostess lady up front. She'll give you one. Diner: All righty! By the way, would a 30 percent tip suffice? Waiter: Ummm, it's okay, I guess. A little higher would be better. Diner: Then let's make it 40 percent. Enjoy your smoke! This scenario is clearly flawed and unbalanced, but why? Because in any relationship that springs from a place of equality and respect, there is a sense of fairness and, as cold as it sounds, negotiation. This isn't to imply that our relationships are supposed to be dispassionate business arrangements, and it certainly doesn't mean that we are supposed to keep mental scorecards of who owes what to whom, but it does mean there should be a flow between parties of give and take. The waiter in the above dialogue gave nothing, yet was rewarded fully despite his behavior. Obviously this is a defective model. But, in a less glaring example, what your parents have done is flawed as well, saying, essentially, that all compromise pertaining to an aspect of your relationship -- an aspect which, coincidently, you feel particularly passionate about -- must be made by you and your husband. The Boston Tea Party and Gandhi's salt march sprung from a similarly inequitable dynamic. Gwendolyn Good-Deed sounds the trumpet: ¡Viva la revolucion! Of course, revolutions tend to be bloody, messy affairs that take many years to bring change into effect. Perhaps a more subtle revolution is more what you seek. Before revolution plans are hatched, you should try to analyze why your parents are so resistant to having a single vegan meal. Is it because it's unfamiliar and they are fearful that it'll taste unpleasant and leave them hungry? Is it because when they visit you they feel like they are on a vacation and meat means indulgence to them, whereas vegan means deprivation? Is this some long-unresolved power struggle between you and your parents, with food as your chess pieces? The key to a successful revolution is strategy, and you cannot strategize unless you understand all the components of your conflict. If your parents refuse vegan food because it's unfamiliar, it might be a good idea to prepare meals with meat-anaolgs that satisfy their need for that which they're comfortable with. If you're able to, choose restaurants that have diverse menus and broad appeal. Do this without much fanfare, so you don't trip any alarms. As a tip, it's probably not wise to take steak-and-potatoes people to a Wally's Wheatgrass Emporium and expect them to be happy. f your parent's refusal to eat vegan food is based on some old power dynamic, you must discuss this and get it out in the open. Perhaps your parents felt like when you rejected animal products, you were rejecting them and their values; this may be their way to exact revenge, whether they are conscious of it or not. Food is a hot-button emotional issue for many people, and Ms. Good-Deed suspects that there may be some of that at play. If this is the case, you may want to sit down and discuss your lifestyle choice openly and honestly with your parents. They sneed to hear that your veganism is not a rejection of them, but what you needed to do in your life for reasons of your own. If your parents still insist on eating out at omnivorous restaurants, you and your husband must decide if this is acceptable to you. Your conflict with eating at an establishment that serves meat is different from their disdain for vegan food: your conflict is based on your convictions and your understanding of the suffering that went into their meals; their conflict appears to be a simple dining preference. If you are willing to eat at such a restaurant, then you must politely but firmly say that you need reciprocation. One meal is their choice, one meal is your choice. It's unfortunate that one has to keep score so assiduously, but it appears that otherwise you and your husband will continue to be trampled upon. If you decide that eating at restaurants that serve meat is unacceptable to you, then you must calmly tell your parents that doing so is an ethical and personal conflict to you. Hopefully they will understand that this is not you simply being stubborn.Tell your parents that it is too painful for you to be in restaurant that serves such fare, but you would love for them to join you and your husband for a meatless meal without didactics or drama, the way meals are supposed to be enjoyed among family and loved ones. In the meantime, take Wally's Wheatgrass Emporium off your speed-dial. XOXOX, G.G.D. |
| Previous Correspondence | Gwendolyn's Index |
Next Correspondence |
Vegan St. Market...Vegan News...Community Center...Calendar...Vegan Living...Home
Funhouse...Activist's Handbook...Gwendolyn Good-Deed...Links
©1998-2001 Vegan Street