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Dear Gwendolyn Good-Deed, The problem is my wife’s parents have offered to give us their perfectly nice old living room couch as they are redecorating their home, but it’s leather. My wife, who’s a vegetarian, thinks we should just take it and just replace it when we have enough money to do so. I, however, am a vegan, and the thought of having a big leather couch in my home repulses me. I’d rather continue to sit on crates and ratty old thrift store finds, personally. If it came to it, I’d rather just sit on the floor. This has become a point of contention between us, and, as her parent’s new couch is arriving soon, we must make a decision. She thinks I’m being stubborn and impractical; I think she’s being stubborn and insensitive. Should I bite the bullet and accept this furniture for the sake of domestic harmony, or should I put my foot down? Also, if I manage to convince my wife to forsake the furniture, how do I explain this to my in-laws without setting the stage for resentment between us? By the way, thus far my wife has been totally accepting and respectful of my vegan lifestyle. We’ve both agreed to no animal products in our kitchen, and she is starting to slowly move toward veganism herself. This, however, leads me to question if she truly understands my convictions. Signed, Not Ready To Inherit A Leather Couch Gentle vegan, Husband Number One was peachy, but had a stubborn habit of squeezing the toothpaste from the incorrect top of the tube fashion. Husband Number Two was dreamy, but insisted on installing bathroom tissue in the irksome fold over rather than hang under position. Husband Number Three was a mistake through and through (even Ms. Good-Deed will occasionally make a blunder). Finally, Husband Number Four was enthralling but demonstrated a complete inability to understand basic recycling separation principles, mixing paper with plastic with reckless abandon. Clearly the domestic harmony angels were not smiling from above. As it stands, Ms. Good-Deed is waiting for Number Five to surface, along with his attendent flaws and idiosyncracies. Until then, she’s quite content on her own, squeeziing toothpaste properly, hanging bathroom tissue in the only acceptable way, and recycling like a champ. But back to you, Gentle Vegan. While it’s definitely premature to call in the lawyers and divide up the crates, you have been confronted with an issue that demands your full attention as it could set the tone for the rest of your marriage. Though she doesn’t want to sound melodramatic, Ms. Good-Deed warns that it is important you approach this situation with your eyes wide open as potential landmines abound. If you compromise on this issue, thus ignoring what your best instincts are telling you, where do you draw the line? What if your in-laws decide to help out their impoverished daughter by bringing over surplus milk and eggs? What if they take your acceptance of the leather as indication that you’ve become less “radical” and they buy you a matching leather chair for Christmas? The sort of conundrum you present, neatly wrapped in an etiquette dilemma, is the sort of thing that if not addressed honestly and thoughtfully, may rear its ugly head repeatedly. What Ms. Good-Deed recommends is calm, unemotional discussion with your wife where you are both able to present your viewpoints. From what you described, gentle vegan, your wife is mostly influenced mainly by the practicality of receiving free furniture, whereas possessing leather items is truly troublesome to you. Bearing this in mind, you two must weigh the two perspectives and try to find the solution that is most agreeable to both. As you stated, you are not in a financial situation now where you could easily afford new furniture on your own. This appears to be fine to you, but is it okay with your wife? If not, perhaps you can discuss other options for acquiring furniture, such as rummage sales, garage sales, or that sort of thing. As far as your perspective, having a leather couch in your personal space would be disturbing to you, and probably make you less comfortable in your own home. This is not simply a matter of personal preferences for you; it is a matter of the couch alway being a constant reminder of another’s suffering. You have made choices in your life to live in a compassionate manner, so having a leather couch in your very home would be an affront to your values and lifestyle. Does your wife understand exactly how strongly you feel on the topic? Ms. Good-Deed recommends that you explain that you are not trying to be difficult, persnickety or rude, it is simply that important to you. This is about your values and ethics, not simply your comfort. If your wife understands that the way you live your life is part of the reason why she loves you, she should accept your objections, even if she doesn’t agree with them entirely. So Ms. Good-Deed would recommend that you honestly and calmly let your wife know just how meaningful your vegan lifestyle is to you. Your wife’s parents should accept a simple “Thank you for thinking of us, but I don’t think we’ll need your couch,” but if they require further explanation, honesty is the best policy once again. Let them know that you’ve made choices in your life that have led you to avoid animal products like leather, and though you appreciate their gesture, you and your wife have come to an agreement. In the meantime, a few artfully placed pillows could make your crates a tad more comfortable. XOXOX
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