Bush's New Year's Resolutons

Our Suggested New Year's Resolutions for George W. Bush
by Marla Rose

January 1, 2003

For us at Vegan Street, this time of year is natural to reflect upon the previous 365 days and project some hopes and set some goals for the next year in the form of resolutions. One of our resolutions of this last year was to help others as much as possible, and, with that in mind, our thoughts turned to the transplanted Texan with the confused expression sitting in the Oval Office. How could you help but want to avail yourself to that guy?

What with running the last remaining Superpower, we figured that George W. has a lot on his plate these days, so Vegan Street took it upon ourselves to lighten Junior's load by suggesting some New Year's resolutions for him. For the welfare of the planet, we don't want George to get overwhelmed, so this is our little way of helping out. In the spirit of good will, we suggest the following resolutions to Mr. Bush in 2003.

Make New Friends
It's bad enough when you have to mooch off your old man for a totally squaresville and ancient kickball team comprised of the likes of Rumsfeld, Cheney and Kissinger, to mention a few, but when supertight buddies like Kenneth Lay get you into hot water by their chummy association, you know you've got to widen your social circle. It sometimes seems as though your mother never warned you of the dangers of getting a bad reputation, George.

Might we suggest perhaps making some friends who are not Cold War-era warhawks or downward spiraling CEOs? It might sound radical, but we believe a good resolution for 2003 would be to make some decent, law-abiding friends. Where could one find such common individuals, you might wonder? Well, join a garden club. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Take a wine appreciation class with Laura (um, maybe not). The possibilities are limitless. Some questions you may want to ask yourself when considering a potential pal:

* Has this individual had dubious and clandestine business dealings in the Middle East?

* Has he or she destabilized countries in South America in order to install vicious dictators?

* Has this person played with and lost millions of dollars in retirement pensions as though it were Monopoly money?

If so, look further. With friends like this, well, you know how it goes.

Buy A Globe
George, this year, we strongly recommend that you make a resolution to ear-mark some of the money you and Laura have saved up for the twins' bail fund and invest it in a globe or at the very least an atlas. Seriously, we'll lend the cash to you if you need it. It's relatively inexpensive, and the benefits the world may reap could be staggering!

As your first foray into geography, we ask you to look at the United States in context with the whole planet. You will notice that we share this planet with other bodies of land, also known as other nations. We are not pointing this out so that you get anxious and decide to, say, put your buddies in Houston to work on building a giant Astrodome around the borders of the United States. We're mentioning this so that you begin to consider that these other nations, a few of which dwarf the U.S. in size, are inhabited by people, animals, plants and a physical environment, much like the land you were selected to serve. Perhaps surprisingly, those living in other nations have an interest in self-determination, equity, protection, abundance, democracy, maintaining cultural heritage and other notions, much like those living on our tiny swath of land.

Maybe this is unknown by you, but the same could be said about the folks in Rwanda. The sun rises and sets in tiny Luxembourg as well. Over there in Pakistan, people love, think, have dreams, make plans, laugh, cry and create, and they hope to do this every day regardless of what your mood is like. Amazing, isn't it?

When making decisions of worldwide consequence - and nearly every decision you and your cabinet make are of this nature - we ask that you spend a few moments considering the globe before you.

A is for Apple, B is for Bumble Bee...
In order to have a decent conversation with other heads of state and dignitaries, we recommend that you check into this. We won't belabor this point because it's an easy potshot, but look into it. Never again will you have to make steer every conversation with Kofi Annan back to a play-by-play of the Super Bowl or what happened on last night's Survivor. This is a very worthwhile investment.

Brush Up On Your History
What with having made some new friends and with the aid of the previous resolution, George, we recommend that you hit the books and become a history buff. For 2003, we advise that you read any and all books concerning the fall of the Roman Empire, the creation of the U.S. Constitution, the origins of fascism, and popular freedom movements throughout history. Remember that old adage, George? Something like those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it? We think this may have a special application in the coming year.

Hire A Career Counselor
George, we're not trying to get down on you, but we believe that maybe some of your troubles in the office might stem from a real career crisis. It leads us to ask if being the President of the United States makes your heart sing, George, because, frankly, sometimes it looks as though you're playing dress up with your daddy's business suit hanging on your tiny shoulders. Perhaps it's a bit late in the game to be asking this, but is this the career you wanted, the one you used to dream of after your mug of warm cocoa and being tucked in for the night by nanny? It seems to us that you might not even know.

It appears as though your whole life, George, people have decided for you how your career path would take shape. You were admitted to Yale as a C-average student. Your father bought you your very own baseball team after the oil industry career he set up for you didn't pan out so great (well, for the stockholders - you did just fine, of course). The Supreme Court handed you the office of Presidency after earning fewer votes than your opponent. This leads us to ask, what is the color of your parachute, George?

Maybe you've always wanted to be a chimney sweep. We fully encourage you to do so! Want to run off to Florence and become an apprentice to a milliner? With our full consent! Maybe you just want to backpack around Nepal for a while? We're so supportive, George, that we'd be happy to help you pack your bags and even drive you to the airport.

Worried about leaving a job before your official tenure is up? Don't be. The important thing is that you find what makes George happy. Now, go out and get it, tiger!

Seek Personal Counseling
Just as career confusion may be mucking up your public life, George, we think that unresolved conflicts in the psyche have altered the course of your private life. This is a delicate subject to broach, but we think it's time to see a therapist. It's nothing to be ashamed of, George. Many of us seek personal counseling from time to time.

To be blunt, we have been given every indication that you make all your choices in a naked attempt to please your father. Your inner-dialogue seems to go something like this:

"Well, daddy was conservative... I'll be conservative, too, and even more so, just for good measure. That'll show up those pantywaist liberals Jeb and Neil! Daddy was buddies with Rumsfeld, Cheney, et al, so am I! Daddy had a misbegotten ‘show down' with Saddam Hussein, and, dang-nabbit, so will I! Surely I will win his approval if I just keep trying to show him what an obedient son I am!"

George, you are stuck in a hopeless cycle of daddy worship, and we're here to help you. In order for your father to respect and accept you, you must assert your independence. If your dad advises you to invade Iraq, why not refuse? If your father encourages you into shady business dealings with his cronies, we think you should rebel. If daddy wants you to deregulate the timber industry, gut pollution standards and lower fuel efficiency guidelines, we recommend that you stick your fingers into your ears and sing, "Lalalalala, I can't hear you!" It's not too late for you to go through your teenage rebellion and reject all that your father stands for, George.

Go Vegan
George, have you ever wondered what a good Indonesian Gado Gado tastes like? Longed to abandon the skins you wear on your feet in favor of some nice hemp shoes? Wanted to check out the little natural foods store you always pass in Bethesda? Well, we think the time is nigh you went vegan, George, and 2003 is a very good year to make the switch.

Going vegan will help to clear your mind, something not to be undervalued in your line of work. For example, compare how lethargic you feel after a basket of buffalo wings to how invigorated you feel after a nice big organic green salad with a balsamic vinaigrette. Now, George, keep in mind that we don't want you to feel so invigorated you're able to to greenlight the invasion of a few countries, but we think just the act of going vegan will help counter this urge before it even materializes.

What else? If you go vegan you will also be doing your part to reduce the environmental devastation of this country you profess to love. It will be a patriotic act, George! Further, by going vegan, you will help spread a message of compassion to other living beings and reduce violence in the world.

Imagine if you, Dick, Karl and Condoleezza spent your mornings developing innovative strategies to eliminate childhood obesity rather than invade other countries. Wouldn't you want to leap out of bed every morning? What if you were working with a new cabinet to make sure every community had beautiful local gardens, full of enough organic vegetables, herbs and berries for all to enjoy? You could build them on the sites of razed fast-food joints. Can you imagine how empowering it would feel to throw off the shackles of addiction to destructive, deadly foods, George? We think it would turn your world around.

So we're not asking you adopt the name Rainbow, buy a VW bus and a food dehydrator and run off to live in a commune in Tennessee just yet. All the same, George, it's something to explore. We recommend reading Joanne Stepaniak's The Vegan Sourcebook, Eric Schlosser's Fast-Food Nation and Mohandas Gandhi's An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments With Truth.

Do all this, George, and we can guarantee that you will enjoy a life infinitely more fulfilling and enriching than the life you led up through 2002. That and the planet will survive at least another year. So go to it, George. You can thank us later.

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