|
Marla in McDonaldland Way back in December, I wrote and sent a letter to Ken Barun, President and CEO of Ronald McDonald House Charities, and I have yet to hear back. Not a word. Nada. Zip. Zilch. However, being the irrepressible type, I've decided not to let Mr. Barun's apparent snub get me down. Because of his lack of interest in having an actual conversation, I've come to the conclusion that an imagined scenario is necessary to sate the inquiring minds of Vegan Street visitors. So here goes: Marla drives out to sunny Oak Brook, Illinois, home of McDonald's Corporate headquarters. After parking her steadfast Chevy amid rows of towering Lincoln Navigators and gleaming Lexuses, she is cheered by the fact that it will be easy to spot her tiny, salt-stained car after the meeting. ‘See?' she thinks to herself as she shuts the door behind her, ‘The day is already starting out on such a positive note.'
Making a futile attempt to shield her eyes from the searing red light with her forearm, Marla steps toward the tower and says, "Oh, hi. I'm here to talk to Ken Barun about Ronald McDonald House Ch-" Again, the voice thunders down through a hissing amplifier, "I told you to stop where you were! Do you have an appointment, Ms. Rose?" "Yes, for 10:00. Wait - how did you know my na-" Undaunted, the voice continues, "This parking lot is for employees, Disney VIPs, and beloved American sports figures only. You'll have to park in lot ZZ Alternate Lot #941." Marla, beginning to feel her corneas detach, squints and asks, "Where would I -" "Follow the yellow brick road." "Yellow br - " "Yes; the yellow brick road." With that, the spotlight switches abruptly off with a loud fssssssss, leaving her to stumble around blindly for a minute or two, setting off car alarms all along her path. This, she happily notes, actually helps her find her car as it is the only one that doesn't set off a rapid succession of honks or sirens when she bumps into it. "Good ol' Bessie! There you are..."
At last, she enters the parking lot zone, passing lot after lot after lot, and, as tumbleweeds roll by, Marla notes that while it's strange to see tumbleweeds in Oak Park, Illinois, it's certainly no stranger than a Shamrock Shake river. Seventeen miles after passing lot A #1, she arrived at ZZ Alternate Lot #940: Yippee! Her lot would be next! The Chariots of Fire song ringing in her head - da da da da da dum - she pulls into ZZ Alternate Lot 941, driving up to the parking attendant's booth. Rolling down the window, she looks into the booth and sees a blasé-looking attendant, filing her nails and chewing gum. "Hello," Marla begins, " I have an appointme-" Not looking up from her nails, the attendant says, "Where's your parking pass?" "Well, I was never given one. The gentleman at the main lot just told-" "You need an authorized pass if you want to park here. No exceptions." Marla, starting to feel a bit wobbly, asks, "Couldn't you just walkie-talkie Ken Barun's office? I have an appointment with him that was supposed to start about more than a half an hour ago." The attendant snaps her gun and says, "It doesn't work that way. You need a parking pass from the Visitor's Office." "To park 17 miles away from the main building?!? I don't believe this." Barely containing her boredom, the attendant offers, "What you need to do is park in the Remote Remote Rear Lot, and wait for the courtesy bus to take you to the McDonald's Corporation main office building."
The attendant sighs, as though stating the obvious, "Because it's more than just remote. It's Remote Remote." "How do I -" The attendant picks up her dog-eared Danielle Steele paperback and says, "Follow the yellow brick road until it ends." Once again, Marla pulls out of the parking lot, and continues to wend her way along the cursed yellow brick road. A few miles out, Bessie begins to sputter. Marla thinks it's a fluke. Bessie begins to lurch. Marla pretends not to notice. Bessie begins to wheeze. Finally, Marla glances with dread in her eyes at the fuel gauge. As much as she uses her power of positive thinking, there is no getting that skinny white line to point anywhere but squarely on the giant, red, scolding E. In fact, there's no getting it to move from it's position that's actually behind the giant, red, scolding E. As Marla begins to acknowledge that she is, in fact, screwed, Bessie chugs a few melodramatic chugs, hisses, sighs and coasts herself to sleep on the side of the road. "I don't believe this!" our heroine howls. "Now what am I going to do?" Just then, like a mirage, she spots a bright yellow and red van rambling down the road, coming her direction. It's the courtesy van! Jumping out of Bessie and waving her arms, Marla shouts, "Stop, stop! I need a ride! I'm stranded!" The van pulls up alongside her, the door opens, and, lo and behold,
it's Ronald McDonald in his full clown regalia behind the driver's
wheel. "Hi there little girl! Did you wander away from the hamburger
patch?"
"Hi there little girl! Did you wander away from the hamburger patch?" "What?!? No! I've been trying to get to the corporate offices all morning. I'm almost twenty miles away from where I need to be, and my car just ran out of gas. I need a ride with the courtesy van." Ronald, trying to look like he sympathizes, says, "I'm sorry. I can only pick up people from designated areas like the Remote Remote Rear Lot." Reaching into his giant pocket, he pulls out a little plastic man wearing a loin cloth, "I can give you this Tarzan Happy Meal toy, though." Marla, voice raising in volume, yells, "I don't want some stupid toy, clown!" Ronald, taken aback, moves to shut the door. Marla, changing her tack, continues with quiet deliberation, "Wait...Listen, I need a ride. Please. I'm stranded. I'm late. I'm tired. Please. Show some mercy." Ronald glances down at his giant red shoes. Marla continues, "Haven't you ever been in a jam? A bad situation? Come on." Ronald sniffles and says, "Oh, no, not at all. I only owe the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts almost $40,000 in student loans, and this has been the only gig I've been able to get since I graduated." His makeup now beginning to run in streaks down his face, he continues, "Oh wait - I take that back: I did do a voiceover for one episode of Garfield and Friends and I was on one Jenny McCarthy Show episode where she spills coffee all over me. Thank you for brightening my day." With that, the door to the courtesy bus slams shut and tears down the road. Marla decides that following the yellow brick road was her first mistake. She walks across the road, around the mountainous piles of McDonalds' refuse, swims across the Shamrock Shake river and climbs through giant M-shaped bushes. She begins to hear a faint rumbling. What is it? Running across a field, she sees it - the highway! Her heart racing, smiling like an idiot, green Shamrock Shake still dripping from her body, she runs up to the shoulder of the road and starts heading east, toward Chicago, looking for a highway phone. A few miles into her journey, a car pulls up alongside her. "Hey!" A voice calls out quizzically. "What's up?" Marla looks over and sees a big, beat-up old car she recognizes. Loud Muffler. Bad 70's music from a weak stereo. Bumper stickers dating back to Watergate covering nearly every exposed surface. A sight for sore eyes: It's good ol' Crazy Pete! "Oh, hi! Man, what a day I've had." "What's going on?" "Well, first this guy shined this giant red spotlight on me and told me to take the yellow brick road, which I did, and I passed all this stuff like a Shamrock Shake river and a giant paintbrush and mountains of garbage. And I went all around this yellow brick road for miles and miles then I ended up at ZZ Alternate Lot #941 but the attendant told me that I had to park at the Remote Remote Rear Lot, and I was going to but Bessie ran out of gas. Can you believe it? Then I saw the courtesy van driving down the road and Ronald McDonald was driving it so I asked him for a ride, but he got mad at me because I yelled at him for offering me a Tarzan Happy Meal toy instead and he told me that he went to acting school but has only been on the Jenny McCarthy McCarthy Show and she dumped coffee all over his head. Isn't that bizarre?"
"Oh, yeah. That'd be great. You saved my life Crazy Pete." Marla walks over to the passenger side and starts to climb in, when Crazy Pete says, "Dude, I hope that's not Shamrock Shake on you, ‘cause I don't allow animal products in my car." |
Vegan St. Market...Vegan News...Community Center...Calendar...Vegan Living...Home
Funhouse...Directory of Groups...Activist's Handbook...Gwendolyn Good-Deed...Links...Join Us
This page was launched February 29, 2000
©1998-2000 Vegan Street