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Admit it, even though you are the perfect little diplomatic vegan ambassador most of the time, inside you rages a snarlingly sarcastic monster one small but ill-timed “don’t you worry about getting proper nutrients?” away from being released. In an effort to exorcise this demon, we have given voice to both tactful and the not so tactful responses to various questions commonly posed to vegans.

Plants feel pain, you hypocrite!

I would have to disagree with your statement because plants lack a central nervous system and a brain, both of which are necessary in order to register pain. As you know, a painful response can be indicated by both its physical and emotional manifestation, each of which underscores the other. For example, a calf in a veal crate not only senses pain because he has been denied freedom of movement and has tender joints, but also because this restriction has kept him from his normal grazing instincts and comforts. His physical pain is compounded by his emotional pain, and vice versa. This calf possesses a central nervous system and a brain, so pain is experienced in a way scientists can chart, just as it would be with humans, and his piteous cries at being taken from his mother can be understood anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of animal behavior as emotional trauma. Plants, however, differ from animals in significant ways. For one, as mentioned earlier, they lack the necessary physiology to register a painful response. Any being that can feel pain can also has been equipped through evolution with the ability to remove oneself from the cause of threat or pain. Furthermore, though plants have needs that must be met in order to thrive, they do not have complex social relationships and instictive needs for comfort, which, when denied, cause prolonged and identifiable suffering. Perhaps it is possible that plants do feel pain, and we lack technology sensitive enough to prove this. If this is so, it is unfortunate, as we need plants in order to live. All beings with sentience must consume in order to survive. Meat and animal products, however, are absolutely elective and unnecessary - actually, they are detrimental - to human health. If it is true that plants feel pain, one can be comforted by the fact that they are taken at the end of their lives and, as opposed to animals, are allowed to go through their life cycle under the sky as nature designed. Please don’t take this as an agreement that plants feel pain, though, because I don’t believe it is true. What I do know to be true, however, is that all animals - from crustacean to mammal - avoid pain and seek comfort. This is motivation enough to treat other beings that we know have the capacity to suffer with as much compassion and consideration as we can. You’ve got to be kidding me, right? You honestly equate the anguished thrashings of a cow hanging on the slaughter line with that of a stalk of corn ready to be gathered? The repetitive, compulsive swaying of an elephant chained in a circus car with emotional life of the hay with which she was fed? The tortured screams of a pig as the knife is dragged across his throat with a blade of grass as the mower hits it? You honestly do not differentiate despite all obvious indication that animal life and plant life are not equitable in terms of awareness and suffering? How is it that you get through life? Understanding as you do that each adorable Brussels sprout on your plate has been beheaded with such wanton disregard? A house salad must be viewed as a murderous crime scene to a sensitive being such as you; a crudité plate must seem to be a veritable genocide. How is it that you’ve survived so long without fruits, vegetables and grains? If you do eat these things, how do you quell the voices in your head of all the plants you have plundered that shriek, "No! Not me!Please don’t take my life for a boring little stir-fry! Aren’t I worth more than that?!?" So you’re either excrutiatingly sensitive or horribly sadistic. Either way, you creep me out. Next question? Here's another one: The best way to minimize the suffering of plants is to become either a frutarian and eat only things that fall off of trees and bushes. The second best way is to become a vegan, because the animal who died for your Whopper ate a heckuva lot more plants each day than any vegan ever will.

What about all the insects you kill by eating plants sprayed with pesticides?

Furthermore, the amount of chemicals used to grow foods that are then fed back to “food animals”, such as soy, corn and wheat, is far greater than that which is applied to plants grown specifically for human consumption. Not only are there more chemicals allowed on plants fed to animals, but the sheer volume of plants grown to feed animals in confinement far outnumbers that which vegans would consume on their own, so the amount of insects destroyed by an omnivorous diet dwarfs that of those who eat only plant foods. Last, though I try to reduce the amount of suffering I contribute to, I know that through the act of living on this planet, it is impossible to insure that I don’t hurt other living beings. Simply by breathing and walking from one room to the next, microscopic life forms are destroyed. Though I don’t ever hurt or kill intentionally, I am aware that this occurs; it would be impossible to exist otherwise. However, veganism is not about perfectionism or impossibly high standards: I just try to live as closely to my values as possible, and reduce my negative impact whenever possible. I can see from your question that you are truly concerned about the insects of the world so you’ll want to be vegan as well, because so many more pesticides are used to spray on the grains we feed to animals in feedlots. Also, I’m a little tied up with trying to educate people about the nearly ten billion animals suffering immeasurably in the food production industry, trying to minimize our destruction of the air, water and land because of this industry and attempting to teach people about the dangers of consuming animal products to human health. Perhaps you should take on the issue of insects, because, as you can see, I’ve got my hands full as it is. The pesticide use in this world is appalling, and it is not only deadly to insects, but it pollutes our land, water and air, as well as poses as-yet not fully known health risks. Personally, I reduce the amount of pesticides sprayed on the food I consume by trying to eat organically-grown plants whenever possible.

Hey, are you wearing leather shoes?

No, I’m not. (with a roll of the eyes): Yes, I am. I thought they matched my 'Go Vegan' button.

What if you were stranded on an island with a chicken and you were starving to death. Would you eat it then?

Personally, I don’t answer this kind of question because it is purely speculative and diverts attention from the real ethical questions and decisions most of us face each and every day. It has much less significance if I would kill a chicken in a very unlikely and imagined scenario than if I would eat a chicken sandwich from a fast-food restaurant. No one could tell you with absolute certainty what they would do in a dire situation they’ve never experienced. My personal convictions and ethical choices are shaped by circumstances faced daily, not hazy speculations. How did a lone chicken get on the island? Perhaps he’s a mirage, brought on by my diet-induced protein deficiency. Or perhaps this scenario was faced by the second cousin of a neighbor of a friend of yours in college after she went on the run from the coppers after throwing red paint on little old ladies in faux fur? Is this one of those funky islands with the plants that experience recognizable emotions? That’s fascinating! What else can one find on this island? Vegans who wear leather shoes? The diary you kept when you were vegan for a week and you could not eat one single thing and your skin turned bright yellow like that of a lemon? Are Skipper, the Professor and the rest of the S.S. Minnow crew on the island, still trying to construct elaborate machines out of coconuts only to be foiled at the last moment by the highjinks of a certain accident prone but lovable sailor? Maybe you should go visit this island. I hear the weather’s fabulous.

The Bible says that man was given dominion over animals so we can do with them what we will.

It is debatable about whether the word dominion used in that context was meant to be understood as “domination” or “stewardship”, which have entirely different meanings. Regardless, if one is looking to the Bible for references to either refute or justify a position on veganism, one might find many contradictory, confusing messages. The Bible was written thousands of years ago in a vastly different world than we now inhabit. Still, these words are found on the very first page of the Bible, Genesis 1:29: And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.” Continuing through the Bible, one will find repeated references to a desire for a compassionate, gentle world that is contradicted by the killing of other creatures. For example, Isaiah 11:6-9 prophesies a peace among beings: And the wolf will dwell with the lamb... The lion shall eat straw like the ox... [and] they shall neither hurt nor destroy in all [God’s] holy mountain. To live fully in the spirit of Christ’s example is to live with love in one’s heart, protecting those less able and in a true spirit of kindness and compassion. This is perfectly consistent with a vegan lifestyle. So a Christian interpretation of the word “dominion” would mean that it’s justifiable to keep billions of sentient beings in packed, cruel conditions, stealing their eggs and milk, slaughtering them well before their natural lifespan would dictate by hanging them upside-down, slitting their throats, boiling many alive and then stuffing one’s gullet with their tortured bodies, filling the earth that the Bible says God created with mountains of excessive fast food packaging, as well as air and water pollution? Interesting. Perhaps it’s to subtle for me to understand, but I don’t see the application here of Matthew 5:7: Blessed are the merciful or adherence to God’s instruction in Genesis 2:15 for Adam to “till and keep” the Garden of Eden. Perhaps it’s too subtle for me to see.

Animals eat other animals. What’s wrong with us doing it?

Animals eating other animals has to do with a need for survival; the fact that vegans tend to live quite long and healthful lives proves that animal products are not essential to the human race for survival. What’s more, this is a very unstable foundation for an ethical argument. Essentially one is saying that an act is ethically and morally justifiable because another does it. Indeed, the foundation of this argument is so flimsy, one need not even consider the fact that the context and the ramifications are radically different between a seagull pulling a fish from the ocean and a human buying a Fish Filet from the drive-thru at McDonalds. Theft, bigotry and murder are just some of the things humans are guilty of committing. Because another does this, is it ethically justifiable for you to do the same? If Mr. X lies and steals, does this give Ms. Y carte blanche to act in kind? Additionally, the fact remains we have a choice in the matter. Destroying another being certainly causes pain, and as it’s not necessary for my well-being or survival, I choose not to kill another. The next time you pass a decomposing raccoon carcass in the road, think to yourself, "You know, that's a right proper meal for a lot of different animals." Does that make your mouth water? If not, perhaps you're a carnivore rather than a scavenger. Then you'll be wanting to rip small live rodents and birds apart with your bare teeth. Even Ozzy Osbourne doesn't do that anymore.

We'll be periodically updating this piece. If you are vexed by annoying questions or obnoxious comments that require a Thoughtful Response